Hear Me Out…

Hear me out….please…the only problem is I simply have no idea what I’m saying!

I’m four months into my twenties, and the other day I recalled a conversation between my mothers and I. One was saying she would never want to relive her teenage years and loved her twenties- this mother has always had a career set in stone. My other mother however, was very adamant that she found her twenties the hardest years of her life! I have suddenly realised that I’m more similar to this mother than I cared to believe and that mum telling me that she never wants to relive was her twenties, was the complete and utter brutal truth.

The first two years of university were okay you see. Those first couple years were a glorious struggle where I learnt to stand on my own two feet, feed myself, generally look after myself, and find a balance between being a social butterfly (in glitter and a tutu on a Wednesday night) and a hermit crab (waking up the next morning still in the body paint of the aforementioned Wednesday night!). 

Between 18 and 20, I had two years of freedom and no worries…apart from how I was going to afford the cup of extortionate cup of costa coffee that I clearly NEEDED to survive my morning in the library. However now I’m 20, my undergrad is coming to an end, and hitting me like a ton of bricks, are the overwhelming feelings of doom, despair, indecision, frustration and a huge load of anxiety- and to be quite frank, it sucks.

 I’m suddenly realising that my friends are  becoming successful in their jobs, they’re having babies, getting married and buying houses…and I’m feeling a compelling urgency to do the same, but I know that path is not for me.

This is where I’ve discovered our lives split and we become two main types of people- those that have found their ruby-red slippers. And the rest of us- that are being swooped up from Kansas and thrown into the middle of a cyclone.

How am I meant to plan my life, and create stability when I have absolutely no idea if I’m coming or going. One moment I’m focused and motivated on my end goal and the future few years as a student, the next I have an overwhelming desire to become a teacher, or a Lawyer…..or maybe I can be the first person to take my pet cat to space!? who knows. The huge worry of what I truly want to do when I graduate- Do I truly want to do a masters? of course I do….or maybe I can move countries and get a job that has no relevance to my actual degree, and travel and be free!? And just to confirm- yes, yes I do go through this conversation with myself daily.

All this essentially amounts to the fact that I’m nervous to get into any situation where I’ll be stuck for the rest of my life. I think that’s the problem with being in your twenties- You finally need to make life decisions. No matter what job we end up with, trip we embark on or relationship we enter, the same thing day in and day out is a form of monotony we’re not easily accustomed to, and the concept of ‘forever’ creates terror in our newly liberated, trying to ‘adult’ souls. I mean, we have just finally become independent!

The fact that we were once all in the same position, but suddenly the normality of uni life is leaving and half of the people around you are floating away, creates a sense of urgency.  And the rapidly changing society around us definitely doesn’t help! What about a career? Is anything good enough? or successful enough? Getting a job is insane, made especially hard due to the fact that most people have degrees now and there is no easy road to success. This creates another area that you are going to have to constantly prove yourself in. And on another note, with how diverse life is becoming, you realise your core values will not always align with those of the people around you. But you need to stand by them. And THAT is hard. Cue more worry. 

Don’t get me wrong….All this is not me saying I’m unhappy. I’m not unhappy at all, Happiness is completely independent of circumstance. You have to separate your anxiety and probably completely unjustified sense of the world falling in around you, from your happiness. Nor am I saying hard work is bad, nothing is worthwhile if it’s not hard work… but the idea that no matter how hard you work, you’re always going to have to work harder- That’s scary. But hey ‘being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave’ right?

Obviously, I still see the world like a young, naive, ‘oh my god the sky is falling in’ twenty year old, but that’s okay too. I’m now aware that the next decade is going to be the hardest, full of the biggest failures, the biggest changes and the most important learning curve ever. I’m looking forward to it, and I like to think that every single person, that hasn’t been lucky enough to instantly find their ruby slippers, goes through this stage and these thoughts at some point between 18 and 25. This whole post seems like such a taboo subject at our age…I guess it’s because not knowing if you are coming or going is an extremely intimidating feeling- but nobody is alone on this journey! 

So it seems all that is left to say now, if you’re still reading after my complete insanity, is welcome to my blog, my mind and the journey of an over ambitious, completely confused twenty year old finding her feet and experiencing some pretty phenomenal things along the way…